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BludStainedStar
tomorrow I am to be alone...allday...I have been asked not to speak for go near David.....I dont understand...Wat did I do?...
i ruinded things again......I made another mistake...
doesn't he know that I can't live with out him...he is my heart that beats...my air....my existence......

Tomorrow I will do as he askes.....I love him so much that I am willing to do wat ever he askes of me....almost watever....

Y can't he talk to me?...why is it so hard.....I trust him..doesn't he know that?....I believe every word that comes out of his mouth....
When he showed me those cuts on his sholder, I just had this feeling, like it wasn't him..before he could say a word..like something else did this...but wat?.....
Instead I had a certain look on my face...that wasn't mine....

Last night i had a horrible dream...on with Lots of death...
But one was not of his...one ones not of me.....
Anyothers yes...but not us.....
I thought things were getting better...why is it that everytime everything feels as tho it is getting better, things happen.
This morning I had butterflys in my stoumic....the same butterfies that I would get when I had that cruch on David.....the same butterfies that I had during the time before David asked me out.....the time after......
I admit that I once before lost those butterflies but I gained them back a while bace....every morning leaving with anticapation......
unable to wait to catch that first glimps of him every morning....unable to wait for that first touch I would get....
What did I do?.....I am not mad at him...nor am I understanding of all that has just happened....
When I look in his eyes..I see this incredible love.....
My heart nearly escapes me and I only get it when I look/hear/feel him...... No one else matters....the entire planet could dead for all I cared..as long as I had him...he is all I need to survive...he is all I want...*tear*.....
I have stopped so many bad things because of him....because I knew he was there for me...there by my side....to help me...
Well I am here for him...yet its like he doesn't trust me.
Lately my life hass seemed to be crumbiling right in front of my eyes....but the only safe ground is there with him....
I want to be with him in every way...in loving him...in sleeping with him..I want him to be my first...my last...my only.....I love him for who he is....for everything about him...good and bad......
I wish I had the strength to 'be' with him that one fri. .... and even last fri. altho I knew we wouldn't have had enough time...especially with my history of coming close.
It just feels so right being with him.....so...Perfect.
I love him....and nothing can ever change that...I dont know if he still feel more for Krystina or not....and honestly I do not care...
I care about wat is here...wat is now....wat is in front of me...and that is him...I want to protect him.....I want to save and be here for him.....but does he not trust me enough to grab my hand while holding on for dear life on a side of a cliff side?....cuz I trust him...I have given him my entire life....right there in the palm of his hands...and wat he will do with it i do not know...

I just want to sleep now...sleep and listen to music as loud as it can go....to blurr out the rest of the world...
Tomorrow I will literally feel lost...its bad enough that every morning while Im not with him I feel as tho I am a stranger to this world.....

I need to go.......I am sorry....
I am sorry..i am sorry..i am sorry..i am sorry.....I am sorry...for everything......

*tears fall as I am being yelled at*...over sensitive right now...I need sleep...screw skool..and HW
 
 
Current Mood: ...lost..confused..scared
Current Music: my own sniffles
 
 
BludStainedStar
25 April 2004 @ 12:25 am
"What Kind of Virgin Are You?"

You are an IDEALISTIC VIRGIN.


 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Nada
 
 
BludStainedStar
17 April 2004 @ 08:52 pm

Got this from 3blinks_1kiss.............\/click\/</span>

......only when I think of David.......Collapse )

 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused...for the time being
Current Music: Evanescence~Hello
 
 
BludStainedStar
17 April 2004 @ 08:24 pm
I hate my life.....
my mom was punching my back....[well my shoulder blade, the right one..towards the top], she was punching it and it hurt so bad...I tried not to show her any emotions...but I couldn't take it anymore...I turned at grabbed her arm, [where I knew she was sore]...and started to squeeze.  She quickly yelled at me saying stop...and I just looked at her as I slowly losened my grip....gave her this empty and painful stare, and then rolled off the coach and went to my room.  Stayed in my room for a few hours drawing [drawing the pic. below in the link], I was drawing with no real lights on and contiuned to do so until my mom called me telling me to feed the cats. I dono wat to do...*tear falls*

The pic. that I did......I dont know why but I did....
Tears Of Joy


I wish my tears were of joy....no matter how bad things were I wish they were of joy.......
 
 
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: Evanescence~Hello
 
 
BludStainedStar
14 April 2004 @ 02:18 pm
You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very creative but never show your work to anyone. You may smile a little but sadness or loneliness surround you and other can feel it when they're near you. You have a dark or unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and you probably have a lot of secrets that you've never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real thing that makes you special is your eyes. Something in them makes them like "Diamonds in the Rough".


Take the quiz.......Whats your element (girls)?
Done by.......Quizilla

 
 
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Evanescence~Hello
 
 
 
BludStainedStar
09 April 2004 @ 12:08 am

Death is near

Death is near...
Feel its coldness slowly creeping up...
As if a car heading for a deer..
Knowing its coming, yet nothing that Can be done to prevent it....
We are paralized to it....
Is there anything to be done?
How do we move?...
How do we live?
...Death is near...

~Reneé~


-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-
wrote this in about 30 sec.s after my mom came in YELLING at me....
Im not thinking of doing anything, its just for some reason something told me to open up something to type on and that just came out.  I dono....Im so tired of everything that is going on.....

And to top things off....yesterday...well in reality two days ago now......anyway....we took my cat into get check and she was being a brat and fitting with the doc. and as I was holding her to now all the top of my hand are covered in scratches....and I dono if anyone really noticed them....but if they did they are probably thinking that Im cutting again when, in reality Im not.
*sigh*..I dono...I hope they didn't think that..cuz really Im not cutting.

Well I better go before Im in EVEN MORE trouble....
GoodNight everyone.

p.s. Ill be blocked from the net for a while....my mom saw an IM come up while she was in my room so ya...that was another thing I was being yelled at for. W/E...let her take IMing away..I dont care...its not like I talk to a whole lot of peeps..just maining two....but I see David at skool...and José..well that one is going to suck but Im sure I'll figure things out...I have my ways on getting around her blocking me.

 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Linkin Park~Breaking the Habit
 
 
BludStainedStar
02 April 2004 @ 11:57 pm

You are a black dragon! Master of the shadows and nightmares. People claim you to be evil but you're just misunderstood. You just want to be alone

Which Dragon Rides in your Soul?

Brought to you by: Quizilla

 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Linkin Park
 
 
BludStainedStar
22 March 2004 @ 06:11 pm

For those who are a little lost like some were......
I wrote this as a comment in a communtiy, so thought it might be needed her as well.


 

.....Sorry....4got some info!!..........Collapse )

 
 
Current Mood: Eh
Current Music: Nada
 
 
BludStainedStar
21 March 2004 @ 11:33 pm
Atreyu is writing your life story! dark, loud and grand, but you may want to rethink the whole obsessed with death thing. and the black eyeliner. yick.
Which Band Is Writing Your Life's Story?

Done By; Quizilla
 
 
Current Mood: ...............
Current Music: Smile Empty Soul~Bottom of a Bottle
 
 
BludStainedStar
21 March 2004 @ 09:00 pm
Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High click for info
Schizoid: Moderate click for info
Schizotypal: Very High click for info
Antisocial: High click for info
Borderline: Very High click for info
Histrionic: Moderate click for info
Narcissistic: High click for info
Avoidant: Very High click for info
Dependent: Very High click for info
Obsessive-Compulsive: High click for info
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
 
 
Current Mood: eh
Current Music: Eminem