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BludStainedStar
21 March 2004 @ 07:29 pm

[sorry but this may include some rambaling]

Wat is wrong with me?...honestly..I'd really like to know....

The dreams are getting stronger and stronger.....
Two weeks ago I had another that "left its mark"....I dont get it...Why?...How?....
I know tons of people have seen wat happened to me at skool (I mean I have even purposely made a sudden move hidding them when I would see them looking at them....I have even just about shoved them into some peoples' faces), but either they dont care or they are to afraid of bringing it up. I dono...
I know people dont believe me when I tell them the truth about wat happens.....But I honestly can't blame them....I mean I can hardly believe it myself.  I mean how can those things really happen?...Go to sleep and then wake up to find that your nightmare has really come true (well at least a part of it).

I know a few who probably think I just do it all for attention, that I just make it all up.....Come to tell you the truth...I really wish that was true. I wish it was as simple as me making it all up, cuz maybe then this things wouldn't keep happening.

*sigh*....for the past...O I dono......three weeks...if that...my ear has been hurting me, and after a week I was going to ask my mom to take me to the doc.'s....
Well a week came and so did that last nightmare. Now I am constently hidding the pain from my mom and grandma because I can't go to the doc.'s now.....That last dream and the "Mark it left" just wont let me.......The nurse will see it...the Doc.....and then wat?....A nice long conversation of trying to explain myself in front of my mom/or grandma to them....How could I?.....Where would I start?........I know wat they would jump to........so how do I tell them my past truths, and these nightmares?...How?......they would never believe me....I mean I find it hard to believe myself and for me to have to try and convince them of something that I am still very unsure about?.....It would never happen....they would make me go to therapy....put me on pills......and possably lock me away....
So tell me how am I suppose to do that?

Another thing......
Of course with out thinking I told my mom about my anxsity attacks that I have been getting for a while at skool.....and so she told me that she is going to have to take me to the doc.s to be checked out....So now all that hidding that I did could be for nothing cuz of my little slip up.

I could just scream.....I swear!.....
to top other things off I was ground for the most dumbest reason ever....but it was so fucken funny!...Lol...Im not mad about wat did happen....Im just mad at my mom for her stupid reasoning.
lol I love wat happened....

but anyway...I dono......really I just dont anymore....

(I dono.....)Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Smile Empty soul~Nowhere Kids
 
 
BludStainedStar


Your tears are made of blood. You regret much of the things you do, and you often think of the negative side of things. Your most likely a sad lonely person.

What are your tears made of?
Done by: Quizilla

Ok...this fits me a little to perfectly....
(well the lonely person part refers mostly to the inside...there is always someone near me....I make sure of that)....
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Pink~Family Portrait
 
 
BludStainedStar
29 February 2004 @ 07:09 pm
...........*Lowers Head...In Guilt*.........."Im sorry!!!!!".................
 
 
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: Nada
 
 
BludStainedStar
26 February 2004 @ 02:16 am
Well its 2:16am and I feel so lost and confused.......
Im just so tired...and feel so helpless.......I feel like such a failure!

I want to cut........but I wont.....I can't!

I dono........I just dono anymore.

Its like the harder I fight, the worest it gets.
But I have to fight other wise I will lose, but I fight and I slip.
Its just never ending......

So Ive decided to choose to fight in a new way......I am creating a character......it is me (so I think...either that or she is one of the other forms of me).....and most of what Ive gone tho and wat I have felt and wat I sitll feel.

Maybe when things are further alone with it, I'll put some stuff up about her, and her story. [one bad thing..I know...some might think Im trying to copy things that they have been doing or by the way they ahve been recently expressing their selves...but...things are things that I have sor years now....You all will see in time]

I dono yet.
But I know this...she isn't made up.....she has acutally been inside of me....I've just never really given her a face, a scrap of proof that she exists.....that is...untill now.

She will be seen by others...and in hopes she will be able to help me fight in this new way.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Witch Hunter Robin~ Soundtrack
 
 
BludStainedStar
14 February 2004 @ 08:51 pm

TRAPPED

EVERYTHING IS PITCH BLACK AND DEAD SILENT,

NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU ARE LOOKING AT A DARK FIGURE FRANTICALLY TRYING TO GET OUT OF AN UNUSUAL WOODEN BOX.
YOU CAN SEE THAT THEY HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BRAKE THOUGH THE BOX IN TWO SMALL PLACES.
WHERE YOU CAN SEE NOTHING BUT THEIR EYE IN ONE HOLE, AND THEIR BLOOD DRIPPING HAND REACHING THOUGH ANOTHER.

NOW, AS YOU ARE WATCHING THIS FIGURE STILL STRUGGLING TO GET OUT, YOU NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE SLOWLY DRIFTING AWAY.
YOU TRY DESPERATELY TO HELP, WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO MOVE, YOU HAVE BE COME TEMPORALLY PARALYZED.

WHAT'S THIS,
NOW THERE IS A BORDER; IT IS AN UNUSUAL BORDER JUST AS THE UNUSUAL WOODEN BOX.
NOW WITH EVERYTHING STILL SLOWLY DRIFTING AWAY, YOU SEE THAT THE BORDER THAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS NOT A BORDER AT ALL,
BUT THE FRAME OF A MIRROR.

A MIRROR THAT YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING INTO THIS ENTIRE TIME.

NOW IT HAS HIT YOU,
WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THOUGH THIS MIRROR THIS ENTIRE TIME, THAT PERSON STRUGGLING TO GET OUT, IT WAS ONLY A REFLECTION OF YOURSELF.
THE DARK FIGURE IS YOU…..TRYING TO ESCAPE….TRYING TO BREAK FREE….

 YOUR TRUE SELF WHO IS TRAPPED DEEP WITH IN.

 

~Reneé~

I wrote this a while back.....and I have had a dream about it...Its just how I sometimes feel.

 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Smile Empty Soul~Nowhere Kids
 
 
 
BludStainedStar
06 February 2004 @ 12:03 am



Night Sky



The moon so bright with its light glare

Yet still the sky looks dark and bare

 

Still with stars scattered across the sky

Further than the wondering eye

 

Even at its darkest hour

The sky still light for all to admire

 

Now time has passed,

Though once awaken for its best—

Now time for its well earned rest.


                               
Reneé

 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: NADA
 
 
BludStainedStar
05 February 2004 @ 10:50 pm

Thank You

 

 

 

Everything is crashing down

Now what is there to do?

 

The pain is now becoming clear

As a tear falls to my shoe

 

This pain is near unbearable

Yet still I stay and fight

 

Then I caught a glimpse of you

Now everything‘s alright

 

You took the pain away from me

And instead gave me love

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

 

My heart…..now like the deep blue sea

Filled with life and curiosity

 

For this is all because of you

And this I give my life

 

I hope you can honestly see

The life you've given me.

 
Thank you!

 
 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: H.D.
 
 
BludStainedStar
03 February 2004 @ 07:44 pm

Well today after skool I was planning on telling my boyfriend about everything that has happened...(Ok I had planed on telling him yesterday but I just couldn't)...but I knew I had to no matter wat today.  Well before I could tell him he noticed that everytime he would grab my wrists that I was in serious pain, so he asked me wat was it...I told him that I would tell him later and to trust me. So he said ok and waited for later to come.  Finally he was freaking out more and more because of how much pain I was getting just by the slitest touch, so he begged for the reason.  I asked him to listen to everything first and then I would show him, and asked that he try not to be mad; he said ok. 
So I told him, first starting with how SCARED I am, and even more because I had to tell him. (He knows about 35% of everything that I have done and been though)
Then I told him about the zoning out and the finding of mine....and moved on from there, after which I showed him........
If you were only able to see his eyes, and hear his gasp for air; it hurt knowing that in a way I had hurt him so badly.  I mean I could see his pain in wat he saw, I could see how much just seeing wat was done to me hurt him too. (which would have been beautiful if not for the scary reason behind it all)

I was so afraid that he would be so mad......see I had sworen to him that I would never cut again....which I haven't......and I seriously thought he wouldn't believe me and would be beyond mad at me, but yet he understood.  That alone helped me to feel better but I still couldn't stop crying (well tearing).....

 

....have to finish later....

 
 
Current Mood: scared yet relieved
Current Music: Hilary Duff~Coming Clean
 
 
BludStainedStar
03 February 2004 @ 07:41 pm

...So Scared.....

Have you ever zoned out so bad that when you finally snapped out of it, it was as if nothing happened?......Yet when in reality something did? That is what happened to me the other day.....I zoned out and the next thing I knew I see an IM opened that has this huge fight between me and one of my best friends (who moved). Then shortly after I feel a small pain in my left wrist as I rub it to try to make the pain go away I feel something there....and to the touch causes even more pain. So I move the sleeve to my sweater and by my suprise I find a needle though the skin of my wrist (right below my thumb but on my wrist). How did it get there?...Did I put it there?....I honestly do not remember doing this, and do not remember any other pain other then when I first felt that small pain.

*******...So Scared.....Continued******

Then a night or two later....I zoned out before I went to bed, and when I finally snapped out of it and woke up from sleeping during the middle of the night I found another suprise. This time it wasn't only my left wrist with that needle, but now my right.....then I looked at the rest of my arms and I found dots...as if the needles were first used to pot holes in my skin and then like they were put into my skin in a way as if they weren't finished doing what it was that they were doing. They are in my skin as it when sowing and you put a needle on a piece of materialso that you do not lose it.

See the first one that I found I had taken it out, and when I woke that one night to find not only that one again but the other I decided to leave them both in there...and so they are there, and nothing else has happened...so I am so afraid of taking them out. What is there to do next if I were to take them out again?

Another thing is....I never had these needles in my room. I dont even think I know where my grandma keeps her's.....so where did they come from?

I am just so scared.

 

What does this mean?......I am so scared....
Does anyone know anything about this?...can anyone help?

 
 
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: Smile Empty Soul~Nowhere Kids
 
 
BludStainedStar
02 February 2004 @ 08:44 pm
=|  

Can Anyone Help Me?

 

 
 
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Smile Empty Soul~Nowhere Kids