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22 March 2004 @ 06:11 pm

For those who are a little lost like some were......
I wrote this as a comment in a communtiy, so thought it might be needed her as well.


Sorry its not your fault for not understanding my entry, I just didn't end up putting down wat I meant by that, either in my LJ or on this last entry [I was trying to not to so that my BF wouldn't see]...sorry.

Anyway, See the last nightmare I had was of the character that I have been working on [she in a sense represents me]. My character was caught with her shingles off and was then disciplined for this. Later that night she returns to her sleeping area and takes the sharp object that is hiding. She places it alone her wrists (while the shingles are off again this time allowed for a few min.s) and is about to cut when she is again caught. In a rampage she is disciplined for this also by them taking the sharp object and waving it in her face, [voicelessly] yelling "IS THIS WAT YOU WANT?"..."WELL?..IS IT?"..."FINE YOU CAN HAVE IT"....And then taking it and cutting her wrists only enough to barley begin to break the skin. After this they left throwing the object to the ground in front of her, as she is holding her wrists.

I then awoke to a gasp of air and quickly grabbed my wrists, turned on my light and found that I too had to marks [mine however weren't bleeding but were there].
The following night I slept dream about her again, with her wrists wrapped, but when she was alone and unwrapped them I saw the EXACT two marks that I found on mine.

I know I did not do this, I mean I didn't have objects remotely near me.
I've hid them all so that I am not to mess with them so that I can continue to fight this all, but I just dont understand how any of this could happen....I dono.

Many do not believe me and I have learn to except that, it up to you whether you do or not.

tearsof_caprice --
I do know for the most part wat is going on in my head however this is something that I cant seem to have any part of.
Its like my character is now taking its place where she needs to be....I created her in order to transfer my feelings...my pain...my cravings to her, so that I can try and get rid of it all on the outside [rid of it for me]...yet now it is as tho that is happening which is good cuz things have been going good until my nightmares have been coming true to some extent.
So I dono wat I should do, I feel I can't just simply make her disappear now, that it has gone to far for that, but at the same time I feel I need to try and convert some of those emotions back to myself, until she can better contain them.

I dono.....

Current Mood: Eh
Current Music: Nada